Delayed Devastation & The Abandonment Of #MeToo.

21 years ago, when I was a junior RN at the beginning of my career, I was sexually assaulted by in my workplace. 

The assault involved two individuals, who were senior to me. They herded me into a confined space, and proceeded to taunt me, touch me inappropriately, I was penetrated  digitally. I did not invite their advances, nor did I give permission. I was manipulated, forced into enduring their attack. 

The incident occured out of hours. There were no witnesses to the incident other than myself and the two individuals involved. I was given no ability to escape the the situation. I was shocked and devastated. 

When I attempted to report the incident, I could not have anticipated the reaction I received. A meeting was arranged with with senior people. I was given no opportunity to arrange a support person to attend with me. Once in the room, I detailed the incident. 

I was told that these were very serious allegations. I was asked if I recalled the incident accurately (the meeting occured within a few days of it having occurred.) I was informed that my abusers denied any involvement in what had occurred. Further, I was advised there were very serious consequences of making allegations of this gravity. 

I was then told that the incident never happened and that if I pursued my claims that I would not work as a Nurse anywhere in the future. I was then put on a "probation period" in which my performance would be observed at monitored.

How does a 23 year old, junior male nurse, deal with this? 

In the aftermath, I was devastated. I felt isolated, marginalised and I suffered under the weight of intense scrutiny for which I had no support, no counselling and no recourse.

I suffered bouts of depression, anxiety, guilt and shame that was so intense, I was pushed to the edge.

Yes, I was suicidal and yes, there were three occasions where I attempted to take my own life.  

I know what happened was real. I was, essentially, raped in my workplace. 

Seeing that I had no power to do anything about the experience, I closed down and compartmentalized the experience and the ordeal, burying them so deep in my psyche so that I could (somehow) function. I developed a way of coping - but I never dealt with the damage wraught on me.

With the emergence of the #metoo movement last year, my exposure to the countless stories of abuse and survival being shared, I unlocked the chest that held my own experience of abuse and I  looked at it anew for the first time in 20 years.

Revisiting the experience, my reaction to it and the subsequent emotional devastation I experienced as a result of being ignored and threatened, I was confronted by 20 long years of unresolved emotional baggage that had affected me. 

It took me a long time to acknowledge the reality of what had occurred. Seeing similar experiences being shared, I was encouraged by what I thought was a positive movement that would treat my ordeal with empathy and compassion. 

I shared my experience. 

The reaction? 

The reaction was a swift and as devastating as the intial reaction I received to my account of sexual abuse.

Suspicion. Disbelief. Minimisation - all coming from within this movement that was supposed to empower voices and embrace survivors. I felt as though I had been raped all over again. 

See - I don't fit the narrative. I fall outside of the accepted identity of a sexual abuse survivor. 

I was a male victim of sexual violence, perpetrated by women. Like the administrators who interrogated me in the aftermath of my abuse, many within the #metoo movement doubted that such violence could happen to a male by a female. I'd remembered it wrong. My recollections must be doubtful. This couldn't have happened to you - a man. It was made clear to me that, at this time, this fight is not about you. You can't be a part of our narrative because - as one particularly militant tweeter articulated it - "You have a dick."

In the course of the fight, there will be victims. Males are collateral damage in this - Male victims and Male accused (whether they are innocent or guilty). 

I'm considering all this, at a time when there is incredible scrutiny being brought to bear on the nominee for the Supreme Court in the United States, Brett Cavanaugh.

You might be surprised, given all I have detailed here, that I have questions about the claims and counter claims swirling around Christine Blasey-Ford and Kavanaugh. In no way do these questions  discount the possibility that Blasey-Ford is telling the truth. It is simply a dispassionate observation that Blasey-Ford has not presented compelling evidence that establishes fact. Like me, she may never be able to.

At this time, Brett Kavanaugh is an *alleged* perpetrator or sexual assault - *alleged*. A formal FBI investigation would, in my view, be the most appropriate way of establishing fact. That should happen and, until such time as that investigation is completed, Kavanaugh's nomination should be withdrawn.

Further, this whole spectacle should be completely removed from the public gaze - for the sake of Christine Blasey-Ford as much as anyone.

There is a further concern I have, which relates to the conduct of the various actors behind both Blasey-Ford and Kavanaugh. I believe there are competing agendas at play that have less to do with the truth of Blasey-Ford's ordeal or the guilt or innocence of Kavanaugh or the truth of the claims against him. Part of this is being driven by nefarious elements within the #metoo movement and its blind ambition to bring down an entire gender, regardless of the truth. They will chew up Christine Blasey-Ford and spit her out as much as they will Kavanaugh. 

Can the truth ever be established now? 

I have come to accept that I will never gain absolution for my own ordeal. I can only recount my experience, to the best of my recollection (and my recollection is acute) and move forward...if one can ever hope to move forward from something like this.

Truth is a victim. 

In the case of Christine Blasey-Ford and Brett Kavanagh, there are her allegations - grave and serious and warranting forensic investigation, his defense, which - in our system of justice - he is entitled to, and the Truth that lies somewhere in between. The way these hearings are being concucted are troubling, because none of this matters to those driving Christine Blasey-Ford into the pressure cooker of the public gaze. Nor does it matter to those who seek to secure Kavanaugh's appointment to the Supreme Court of the United States. 

Both agendas will divide and conquer in the pursuit of something other than the truth - and they will leave victims in their wake - both accused and accusers.

If you don't fit the proscribed narrative of either, the accepted identity, you are problematic, expendable.

And that is the truth.

DFA. 

Souls Fly With The Crow - A Look At Soul Of A Crow by Abbie Williams.

Soul of a Crow by Abbie Williams

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

It is 1868. The country is still reeling from the brutal effects of the Civil War, just a few short years earlier. Lorie Blake, a beautiful young woman orphaned by the War, and who escaped the miserable prison of her life as a prostitute in a Missouri whorehouse, now takes wing, embarking on a breathtaking overland journey northwest. With Lorie is her newfound family – brothers Boyd and Malcolm Carter, experienced horseman Sawyer Davis, and his beloved paint mare, Whistler. For the first time in years, there seems reason to hope. Thrown together by the circumstances of fate, and now deeply bound by love, each of them are determined to begin new lives as homesteaders in Minnesota.

But alas, the past refuses to die quietly. Former Confederate soldiers Sawyer and Boyd are haunted by the scavenger-like specters of a War that refuses to stay buried, a conflict never truly put to rest. New friends emerge and old enemies arise, as ancient hatreds boil over in the hearts of the men who survived. In the face of incredible odds, Lorie must rely upon all of the emotional strength in her soul as she battles for the life of her true love, and towards the enduring promise of a new beginning in the north.

Creating a sweeping epic - one couched in the rich history of the early United States - would be a challenge for anyone wanting to lend authenticity to their story telling. The dedication to research, the teasing out of individual experiences within a given time frame, an adherence to the integrity of historical context are all essential ingredients, even within a fictional narrative.

Abbie Williams achieved these things with the first entry into her trilogy of books under the "Dove" heading titled "Heart Of A Dove". She has returned now, to add a deepening layer to the situations and circumstances of her cast of characters, struggling to make their way in the aftermath of the American Civil War. I have argued previously that Williams' dedication to the historical aspects of that conflict was perhaps the most informative I've ever read. I learned things about it that I would otherwise not have known. And they are intimate accounts too, that Williams' curated during her search for material, private stories, gems of discovery that were previously unknown except to a small few.

(image credit - Central Avenue Publishing).

What struck me - both with Heart of a Dove and now Soul of a Crow - is just how immediate Williams' has made the aftermath of war and how it effects each of her characters in their respective story arcs. In Heart of a Dove, they come to the table as broken people, reeling from the shock of war with little time to digest what it has all meant. In Soul of a Crow, they reflect more on their experience and decisions they made to survive. Their subsequent reactions to it are compelling and thought provoking. It is through the strength of their underlying characters as well as an innate 'something' that Williams' has mixed into her brew that draws them together and sustains them - hopefully towards a brighter day.

With the graceful romantic flourishes that are key to Williams' writing style and a visual tableaux that is evocative of classic cinema, Soul of a Crow is a remarkable addition to Abbie Williams' now signature series.

(Abbie Williams - image credit: Abbie Williams).

Abbie Williams has been addicted to love stories ever since first sneaking her mother's copy of The Flame and the Flower; since then, she's been jotting down stories of her own in notebook after spiral-bound notebook.

Abbie spends her days with her own true love, their three daughters, and a very busy schedule. She is most happy when she can sneak in a few hours to write and thereby indulge in visiting the characters in her stories. 

When Abbie's not writing, teaching or spending time with family, she is listening to her favorite musical groups of all time: Alison Krauss and Union Station, the Wailin' Jennys, and The Be Good Tanyas. If there's time in the evening, she might watch a few episodes of Hell on Wheels and eat a jar of crunchy peanut butter. 

Soul of A Crow is out now.

Visit Abbie Williams here. 

Tweet with Abbie Williams here. 

View all my reviews

Summer At The Shore Leave Cafe by Abbie Williams.

Summer at the Shore Leave Cafe by Abbie Williams

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Joelle Gordon is leaving Chicago and her cheating husband to head for her hometown of Landon, Minnesota. WIth her three beautiful daughters in tow, Joelle is bombarded with an onslaught of memories that Landon evokes. Landon -- home to the Shore Leave Cafe, the restaurant Joelle's family owns -- has some surprises in store for Joelle. Finding herself confronted with the reality of single motherhood, a mysterious but handsome young staffer at the Shore Leave Cafe, her upset daughters, and the prospect of returning to her husband for the well-being of her kids, Joelle must make decisions she never thought she'd face.

A story about heartbreak, blame, family, desire, love, and the difficulties of returning home, Summer at the Shore Leave Cafe highlights hardships to which everyone can relate.

Romance can be a tough genre to write convincingly in, but Abbie Williams has achieved something akin to romantic alchemy with Summer at the Shore Leave Cafe. She combines strong narrative, threading multiple plot threads around the protagonist Joelle Gordon's central arc with a convincing cast of characters that feel so real you'd swear you know them. As a reader you are taken on an emotional journey with these characters that fully invests you in them. You care for them, champion them and sometimes you rue them, where appropriate. Williams has also crafted scenes of steamy eroticism that strike a perfect balance in advancing the story whilst giving the reader something to sweat (pleasurably) to.

I also really liked the warmth of the story and how immersive it was for me. Abbie Williams has a keen sense of place - a clear and abiding affection for her native Minnesota, of people and their emotional arcs and she blends these together effortlessly, creating a visual and tactile tableaux, one that stays with you.

Summer At The Shore Leave Cafe - the first in Abbie's Shore Leave series - is a bespoke literary creation and a superlative achievement.

Abbie Williams has been addicted to love stories ever since first sneaking her mother's copy of The Flame and the Flower; since then, she has been jotting down stories of her own in notebook after spiral-bound notebook.

Abbie Williams teaches English at the high school level (which she dearly loves). She spend her days with her own true love, their three daughters, and a very busy schedule. Abbie says she is most happy when she can sneak in a few hours to write and thereby indulge in visiting the characters in her stories.

When Abbie is not writing, teaching or spending time with her family, she can be found listening to her favorite musical groups of all time: Alison Krauss and Union Station, the Wailin' Jennys, and The Be Good Tanyas. If there's time in the evening, she might watch a few episodes of Hell on Wheels and eat a jar of crunchy peanut butter.

Discover Abbie Williams world here.

DFA.


View all my Goodreads reviews

Constructing Promises - A Look At Sara's Promise by Deanna Sletten

I am pleased to be welcoming author Deanna Sletten this week whose latest release Sara's Promise hits the shelves and promises to deliver a heart felt and fully realized story that will appeal to lovers of fine romantic fiction. 

Deanna Lynn Sletten writes women's fiction novels that go beyond the basic romance novel. Her stories dig deeply into the lives of the characters, giving the reader an in-depth look into their hearts and souls. Deanna has also written one middle-grade novel that takes you on the adventure of a lifetime. 

Deanna started her writing career in the early 1990s writing articles for parenting publications and local newspapers. Over time she transitioned to writing for blogs and websites and was a contributing writer for the women's website, She Knows. In November 2011, she changed course and put all her energy into novel writing and hasn't looked back since.

Deanna is married and has two grown children. When not writing, she enjoys walking the wooded trails around her northern Minnesota home with her beautiful Australian Shepherd or relaxing in the boat on the lake in the summer.

So, onto the guff about Sara's Promise.


Do you believe in soul mates?

William Grafton had the perfect life with his lovely wife, Sara, and two teen-aged children. But one day his perfect forever was shattered when Sara died suddenly, leaving him alone to raise his children and wonder how he would ever get through life without his soul mate. Five years later, he finds himself looking into a familiar pair of blue-green eyes that remind him of Sara. The woman is the exact opposite of his late wife, yet he finds he is drawn to her. But after a few strange occurrences, he begins to wonder–are these just coincidences or has his Sara come back to him as she once promised in the form of this new woman?
  

Annie Paxton doesn't believe in soul mates or fate. She had watched her father die of a broken heart after her mother passed away and has since cast away any fairy tale ideas of love. Then she meets the man who has been haunting her dreams and she begins to see love in a whole new light. But her dream man is still tied to his deceased wife, and Annie doesn't know if he will ever be able to break away from his past. As strange occurrences unfold, Annie wonders if William could ever truly love her for herself and not for the traits that remind him of Sara.

Were William and Annie brought together by fate, coincidence or by Sara keeping her promise?


Excerpt:

William Grafton stood staring out the window of his fourth floor office in Beaverton. The photographer was late. He checked his watch again. Okay, so she was late by only two minutes, but she was late just the same. He had better things to do than wait. It only made him brood more about having to waste the time to retake the photos that were done two months before. It wasn't his fault some idiot at the magazine had lost the photos, yet he seemed to be the one paying for it.

Irritated, he turned from the window, smoothing down the sleeve of his suit jacket over his gold watch. In his navy suit, cream shirt, and pinstripe tie, he looked every bit the business man that he was, partner in his own architectural firm Grafton & Hanover for seventeen successful years. They had offices in Beaverton and Portland to handle all the business that came their way. The town of Beaverton had grown increasingly in size over the past twenty years, and firms were needed to build condos, apartment buildings, banks, shopping malls, and office buildings. But playing the part of business man was not his style. He much preferred his den at home to working in this sleek office, leaving the paperwork and appointments to his secretary and accountant to handle, and coming in only when necessary. Over the past five years, he'd pulled himself almost entirely out of the commercial end of the business, leaving the large building projects to his partner, Jeffrey Hanover, and their staff. He preferred working with individual home owners, helping them draft the homes of their dreams. 

William ran a hand through his thick, black hair that he wore slightly long. A touch of gray tipped the ends now, but he was forty-four, and that was to be expected. And if age hadn't grayed him, then his children had, especially his daughter, Sandy. That's why he'd preferred working at home all these years, so he could try to watch over them and try to fill the gaping void in their household. But it had been too big a job, bigger than he'd ever imagined.

Four minutes late. How much longer would he have to wait? He paced the floor, wondering where she was. He usually didn't mind the publicity or the time it took to show off his work. Having photos of the homes he designed appear in a publication like Architectural Home always brought prestigious clientèle his way. But having to waste his time redoing something because of someone else's stupidity irked him. And her being late irritated him more. He'd give her five more minutes, and if she didn't show, he was out of here.

Purchase Hub for Sara's Promise

Connect with Deanna here

Facebook with Deanna here    

Tweet with Deanna here    

Goodreads Deanna here   

Deanna's Amazon Author Page is here

Giveaway!

In celebration of Deanna's new book release she is having a giveaway! Leave a comment on this site to have your name entered in the drawing for one of four prizes: Two $25 Amazon Gift Cards and 2 paperback copies of Sara's Promise. Be sure to include your email address so we can contact you. You can enter at each site of the blog tour for more chances to win! Giveaway starts December 10th and ends December 17th at midnight. Winners will be contacted December 18th after noon. 

Follow the tour schedule at Deanna's Official Site.