Delayed Devastation & The Abandonment Of #MeToo.

21 years ago, when I was a junior RN at the beginning of my career, I was sexually assaulted by in my workplace. 

The assault involved two individuals, who were senior to me. They herded me into a confined space, and proceeded to taunt me, touch me inappropriately, I was penetrated  digitally. I did not invite their advances, nor did I give permission. I was manipulated, forced into enduring their attack. 

The incident occured out of hours. There were no witnesses to the incident other than myself and the two individuals involved. I was given no ability to escape the the situation. I was shocked and devastated. 

When I attempted to report the incident, I could not have anticipated the reaction I received. A meeting was arranged with with senior people. I was given no opportunity to arrange a support person to attend with me. Once in the room, I detailed the incident. 

I was told that these were very serious allegations. I was asked if I recalled the incident accurately (the meeting occured within a few days of it having occurred.) I was informed that my abusers denied any involvement in what had occurred. Further, I was advised there were very serious consequences of making allegations of this gravity. 

I was then told that the incident never happened and that if I pursued my claims that I would not work as a Nurse anywhere in the future. I was then put on a "probation period" in which my performance would be observed at monitored.

How does a 23 year old, junior male nurse, deal with this? 

In the aftermath, I was devastated. I felt isolated, marginalised and I suffered under the weight of intense scrutiny for which I had no support, no counselling and no recourse.

I suffered bouts of depression, anxiety, guilt and shame that was so intense, I was pushed to the edge.

Yes, I was suicidal and yes, there were three occasions where I attempted to take my own life.  

I know what happened was real. I was, essentially, raped in my workplace. 

Seeing that I had no power to do anything about the experience, I closed down and compartmentalized the experience and the ordeal, burying them so deep in my psyche so that I could (somehow) function. I developed a way of coping - but I never dealt with the damage wraught on me.

With the emergence of the #metoo movement last year, my exposure to the countless stories of abuse and survival being shared, I unlocked the chest that held my own experience of abuse and I  looked at it anew for the first time in 20 years.

Revisiting the experience, my reaction to it and the subsequent emotional devastation I experienced as a result of being ignored and threatened, I was confronted by 20 long years of unresolved emotional baggage that had affected me. 

It took me a long time to acknowledge the reality of what had occurred. Seeing similar experiences being shared, I was encouraged by what I thought was a positive movement that would treat my ordeal with empathy and compassion. 

I shared my experience. 

The reaction? 

The reaction was a swift and as devastating as the intial reaction I received to my account of sexual abuse.

Suspicion. Disbelief. Minimisation - all coming from within this movement that was supposed to empower voices and embrace survivors. I felt as though I had been raped all over again. 

See - I don't fit the narrative. I fall outside of the accepted identity of a sexual abuse survivor. 

I was a male victim of sexual violence, perpetrated by women. Like the administrators who interrogated me in the aftermath of my abuse, many within the #metoo movement doubted that such violence could happen to a male by a female. I'd remembered it wrong. My recollections must be doubtful. This couldn't have happened to you - a man. It was made clear to me that, at this time, this fight is not about you. You can't be a part of our narrative because - as one particularly militant tweeter articulated it - "You have a dick."

In the course of the fight, there will be victims. Males are collateral damage in this - Male victims and Male accused (whether they are innocent or guilty). 

I'm considering all this, at a time when there is incredible scrutiny being brought to bear on the nominee for the Supreme Court in the United States, Brett Cavanaugh.

You might be surprised, given all I have detailed here, that I have questions about the claims and counter claims swirling around Christine Blasey-Ford and Kavanaugh. In no way do these questions  discount the possibility that Blasey-Ford is telling the truth. It is simply a dispassionate observation that Blasey-Ford has not presented compelling evidence that establishes fact. Like me, she may never be able to.

At this time, Brett Kavanaugh is an *alleged* perpetrator or sexual assault - *alleged*. A formal FBI investigation would, in my view, be the most appropriate way of establishing fact. That should happen and, until such time as that investigation is completed, Kavanaugh's nomination should be withdrawn.

Further, this whole spectacle should be completely removed from the public gaze - for the sake of Christine Blasey-Ford as much as anyone.

There is a further concern I have, which relates to the conduct of the various actors behind both Blasey-Ford and Kavanaugh. I believe there are competing agendas at play that have less to do with the truth of Blasey-Ford's ordeal or the guilt or innocence of Kavanaugh or the truth of the claims against him. Part of this is being driven by nefarious elements within the #metoo movement and its blind ambition to bring down an entire gender, regardless of the truth. They will chew up Christine Blasey-Ford and spit her out as much as they will Kavanaugh. 

Can the truth ever be established now? 

I have come to accept that I will never gain absolution for my own ordeal. I can only recount my experience, to the best of my recollection (and my recollection is acute) and move forward...if one can ever hope to move forward from something like this.

Truth is a victim. 

In the case of Christine Blasey-Ford and Brett Kavanagh, there are her allegations - grave and serious and warranting forensic investigation, his defense, which - in our system of justice - he is entitled to, and the Truth that lies somewhere in between. The way these hearings are being concucted are troubling, because none of this matters to those driving Christine Blasey-Ford into the pressure cooker of the public gaze. Nor does it matter to those who seek to secure Kavanaugh's appointment to the Supreme Court of the United States. 

Both agendas will divide and conquer in the pursuit of something other than the truth - and they will leave victims in their wake - both accused and accusers.

If you don't fit the proscribed narrative of either, the accepted identity, you are problematic, expendable.

And that is the truth.

DFA. 

Pioneer One - There Need Be No Other Title.

Throughout 2011 I had the pleasure of discovering a lot of new media via the web. From independent musical projects, to movies, to 'television programs' produced exclusively for the web - there is a great deal out there to discover and enjoy and, in many cases, a lot of this content is free to download legitimately. 


I've mentioned Creative Commons attributions in previous posts here at DFA Dot Com which is basically a fancy way of describing the availability of independent media to end users for free, but in almost all cases, the projects depend upon the generosity of the end user who can contribute to the projects they have discovered both financially through donation or by spreading the word about that particular project via social media. Both these methods are a wonderfully entrepreneurial way of ensure the success of new media and, because donations and support come from like minded people, often the projects flourish without the intrusion of commercial interests which can and has neutered such media with their particular agendas.


One project that really got me excited over the course of the past few months is a 'television' series called "Pioneer One". I've italicized 'television' you'll note, because, although it is presented as a six episode series, it hasn't (yet) been actually broadcast on television. It's broadcast space has been the exclusive and more powerful environment of the web. 


So what is "Pioneer One"?


The premise of the series is described thus: 


A mysterious spaceship enters Earth's atmosphere, triggering a massive response from the American government. Since the ship has spread radiation over hundreds of miles of rural Montana, officials are quick to bring up the possibility of a terrorist attack, specifically the detonation of a dirty bomb, however, that idea is discarded subtly by the leading investigator, asking the rhetorical question "Who would launch an attack on Montana?". 


Debris is found in Canada, where an investigation of the crash discovers a live human being in a Soviet space suit. Federal agents working for the American Department of Homeland Security get involved, receiving permission from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to operate in Canada. The man is in an unstable condition and his initial blood work shows signs of severe cancer, with his doctors proclaiming him too badly injured to transport. A note handwritten in Russian found at the crash site says that the man is the child of cosmonauts living at a base on Mars. 

Not believing the note and wanting to announce a Department of Homeland Security success to the press, the American DHS orders Agent Tom Taylor (James Rich) to bring the man back to the United States as a suspected terrorist, despite his severe condition. Believing the note could be true, Taylor ignores his orders and destroys the permission from the RCMP, forcing his team to stay on site. He also brings in Dr. Walzer, an expert who has written several books about the possibility of human survival on Mars, to discuss the incident. Over the course of the series, we are introduced to an eclectic team of investigators, scientists and medics - all of whom are drawn to the stranger who seems to have fallen from the sky. As they work to unravel the mystery, they will discover truths that will change their lives forever.


Though the series was essentially filmed on a shoe string - you would not know it. The production values on Pioneer One are on par with any of the big network TV shows and it presents as a taut, ensemble piece with plenty of drama and enough mystery to keep the viewer invested from the get go. The cast are exceptional - headed up by James Rich who portrays DHS agent Taylor who is conflicted from the start by the situation he is faced with. The arrival of the Russian cosmonaut Yuri (Aleksandr Evtushenko) - who may or may not actually be the child of a Russian mission to Mars - sets off a chain of events that will affect all those who come face to face with him. Rich is ably supported by actors who, because they aren't necessarily big names, totally inhabit their characters. From Alexandra Blatt as Taylor's 2IC Sofie Larson, to Jack Haley as the eccentric Mars expert Zachary Walzer to Laura Graham as the compassionate therapist Jane Campbell. These are names that you might not know, which is actually a plus because they become their characters. This adds to the overall sense of believability in the story.

James Rich as DHS Agent Thomas Taylor.

Production on Pioneer One began back in 2010 by Josh Bernhard and Bracey Smith who conceived the idea of producing a totally web based drama series and funding it almost entirely out of their own pockets - along with some generous support through capital raising portals such as Kickstarter. As the series progressed and it garnered a solid and dedicated fan-base, the producers were able to raise enough money to continue production on the series through it's entire 6 episode schedule.


The response to Pioneer One has been phenomenal. Within it's first week of release, Episode 1 was downloaded some 420,000 times and, according to the producers, by December of 2011 it had  collectively been downloaded over 3.5 million times through it's hosting partner, VODO and it raised almost $100,000 in fan donations, ensuring that the entire first season would see completion.

And now as I write this, the first season is now complete and can be viewed in it's entirety via the download links at Pioneer 1's Vodo Portal.

If there was to be one criticism of the series - and this is entirely not the fault of anyone associated with the project - is that, because of the disparate funding streams coming into the project, there was a long time between episodes of the show. This was kinda frustrating for fans like myself who had hopped on board the series from the beginning but, given the high value of the production, the casting and the writing, it was impossible for me not to stay the course. 


And so now the Pioneer 1 team and the fan base look forward to the production of a second season and a continuation of the story that was left by an awesome cliff hanger at the end of the first season. The sneak peek trailer for season 2 hints at heightened geopolitical tension, changing alliances and answers to questions that were tantalizing all through out season 1. 


Make no mistake. This is a new paradigm in dramatic serial television that removes all of the  big TV network impediments to great drama and offers us pure entertainment. 


I urge you to check this series out.  


Official Pioneer One website.

Official Download portal. 


DFA.