Sometimes, they occur for no other reason than an autonomous biological chemistry in my mind. Sometimes, they are a product of my own idiocy - or inadequacy - or both.
I don't set out to be an arsehole. I know, deep down, that's not me.
But things in this world scare me. Everything I thought I knew about it is slowly and surely deconstructing.
It's not enough for me to accept things as they are. I feel as though I have to challenge the orthodoxy, because I fear there is something inherently wrong with it. I fear it is out of control. I feel I need to stand apart from the group think.
But, when I walk into an unfamiliar room, engage with a stranger, question them...
It's bound to come undone and I know this - implicitly - before it even happens.
Yet I barrel forward anyway. Because, somewhere in the corridors of my mind - my conscience - I hold something that is well meaning. An important point of view. My attempt to question - mentally - is honorable.
I am an incompetent driver of this vehicle. And I know, even before it happens, that only one thing *can* happen.
I will crash and it will be destructive.
The older I get, the less certain I am of everything. I realize know very little. My thinking is limited. I am constantly plagued with doubt.
I wish I were different. I wish I had the confidence, the nimbleness of mind to be more considerate in my discourse. Respectful.
I am governed by an experience - a series of experiences - I wish I'd never had.
There's a word for that, for this. For me...
Is that it? Who knows. I'm too dumb to know myself.