Thursday, December 8, 2011

Dave Grohl Saved My Life.

Rarely, if ever, have I considered people of celebrity to have anything useful to say. Other than promoting their product - their film, T.V. show or their album - I usually find anything they utter beyond that is just hot air, filler, bullshit. Unless of course they've put in an appearance on the now defunct British T.V. institution 'Parkinson' then I kinda think 'Well, yeah...if they're intelligent enough to submit to an hour being quizzed by, arguably, the finest interviewer in the world then I'll take notice. 

Otherwise their only requirement as an entertainer is to entertain me, not give me a running commentary on the geopolitical ramifications of climate change, or the morality of government commitments to foreign aid or whether I should eat meat or not. Go make an album, let the appropriate people handle those other issues.

There are few people who I admire in this world because I'm not really into the kind of vacuous hero worship of celebrity, movie stars, performers or sports people. I think it stems from a couple of instances where I was disappointed as a kid. Like, I met some character from a kid's show from the 1980's - I think it was the kangaroo from Shirl's Neighbourhood' - who, none of you outside of Australia will have any idea of what I'm talking about. But anyway, he turned out to be a complete arse and I do remember being brought to tears - I was 6 years old remember.

And most sports people then, as they are now, are just plain dumb - unable to converse much beyond delivering stupid cliche's during interviews - and that's when they're not busy putting their foot in it.

But I do and have made particular exceptions.

Early in 2005 I was going through a pretty awful time. My marriage had fallen apart after seven years, of which most of the years - I thought - were happy. In the months leading up to the separation, I had been diagnosed with severe depression and I was being treated for it.  Up until that point, I had placed a supreme amount of importance on marriage and I valued it greatly - even though I will admit, that there were times where I totally sucked at it. There was a weight of expectation that I'd place upon myself to succeed and when it all fell apart - my castle, the structure that I had built to house all those expectations collapsed spectacularly. My life, in the first few days and weeks after my wife ended our marriage, spun out of control in a predictable fashion. 

The tranquil life that I had known for the past seven years was suddenly gone, I became withdrawn. I locked myself away from everybody. I indulged in far more red wine than I ever did before and then I discovered brandy so I hit that pretty hard too. I live in a different state to my family so I apart from the phone, there was no one I could talk to face to face which was really isolating. I was essentially alone in the beginning. 

During the very worst of it all I seriously considered suicide numerous times - even got to the point of actually preparing to go through with it. I had a plan - a way out and I had come to a strange kind of peace with it. When your entire world crumbles around you and you feel as though you're left with nothing at all, not being here anymore becomes an attractive option.

So there I was, sitting in the lounge room of the home I was about to lose, half wiped out after a dozen or so brandy and drys, a bottle of pills on the table before me and then Andrew Denton comes on. 

Andrew Denton is Australia's equivalent to Michael Parkinson. For an hour or so on a Monday night Andrew Denton would conduct one on one interviews with anybody of note in a style that really does pull back the layers of the onion and delves into the person before him in a really satisfying way. Denton's list of interviewees over the years have included the likes of Bill Clinton, Helen Mirren, Sir David Attenborough, Jerry Seinfeld and Rudy Giuliani.

He has also interviewed Dave Grohl.

I've always liked The Foo Fighters though my love from them...(their music I mean)... really solidified around the album 'There Is Nothing Left To Lose'. Personally, I don't think the Foo Fighters have ever released a bad album. And I think that they have only improved with age. Aside from being one of the most disciplined outfits going around, the band also has a sense of humor about them; they've never taken themselves too seriously in the way alot of bands do. It comes through in the many interviews they have done - including their most recent documentary "Back & Forth" - as well as a handful of their music videos, which are basically huge piss takes on the notion of rock stardom. It's totally refreshing.

So yeah, there I was, sitting on the couch in my three day old boxer shot, clutching a bottle of brandy, my mind as black as the night outside and I was kinda half listening to the interview. And the the interview turned a sudden and unexpected corner. Andrew and Dave started talking about Kurt Cobain, the circumstances surrounding his suicide and the impact that it had on Dave Grohl. Through the fog of my grief there was a sudden clarity as my mind switched to the conversation on screen. I knew that Dave had avoided talking a lot about Cobain's suicide in the past, so it was significant that he would begin opening up about it here. 

Dave Grohl at one point said to Andrew Denton "OK, life is so delicate, so short that you really have to take advantage of every day...I am lucky enough to wake up this morning, even if it's the worst day of my life, I still get to be..."

For some reason - those words cut through to my very core. They weren't especially ground breaking words, I mean you hear stuff like that all the time. But, I guess, at that moment it was what I needed to hear.

Grohl went further, "It has a lot to do with why I started this band, because I wasn't done yet. I might die tomorrow, but as long as I spend every day like it's a gift, then I will be fine". I was struck by the quiet intelligence behind those words and the sincerity of the emotion that betrayed Dave's eyes at that moment. For me, he had moved beyond being a fun kinda guy, a cool muso with a sense of humor and had become one of those rare people who a in touch with their own psyche, are aware of their own human condition and have tried to understand it. It is a quality that is common to many creative people and one that resonated with me. For years, I had struggled with trying to become a writer and during those months in 2005 I had all but abandoned it.

There is a moment, a point in the cycle of a negative seismic event like the one I went through where you can either go one way or you can go another. Upon hearing those words from Dave, I decided to choose a path that would be long and hard, filled with set backs and pauses. But, somehow, I knew I had to try and rediscover the best of myself because I sensed, even then that it would ultimately be rewarding.

I began to clean myself up, gradually and I abandoned any notions of leaving this mortal coil. My creative love took a little while to recapture but I did begin to contemplate it again, some I hadn't done for several years.
Depression, deep depression is an affliction that can take years to come out of. I don't know why that is. I'm not sure anybody does. Even now, some six years after I was first diagnosed I still suffer from bouts of deep depression. I don't know where it comes from, it is overwhelming and can often take weeks to come out of. 

But there are certain words that stick in my mind that help me to overcome the dark times that threaten my well being. Dave Grohl's chat with Andrew Denton back in May 2005 was a critical moment in the journey that enabled me to go forward. 

And though I will probably never get the opportunity, I want to say here and now that in a small way Dave Grohl saved my life. And for that I guess I’ll always be thankful...



  1. Very nicely written, Dean. And I for one am VERY glad you're still around. :)

  2. Thanks Annie.

    You know, I saw Back and Forth recently (a Foo Fighters doco) and Dave extrapolated on some of the things he spoke about in the Andrew Denton interview which still resonates with me even now.

    Being at the gig last week had me thinking about a lot of stuff...I think too much at times. I'll always be thankful for those words he had to say back then.