Friday, January 4, 2019

The Approaching Storm - A Schwannoma Diary (#9).

See...that's the thing about Schedule 8 analgesics. They're all well and good when you're on them and they are giving a nice little analgesic high. You feel good, existing in a state where you're pain free and can function *almost* normally.

And then the wall rushes up. You slam into it and you realise it was all a fallacy.

No matter how diligent you are in weaning yourself off them, reducing the doses every few days and adjusting, there is always a drop off once the final dose has been taken. And it's a big drop off. I encountered it yesterday when I entered the first day without having the narcoticanalgesics available to me.

The pain in my legs was breath taking. Every step I took was a punishment. And not only was there the pain of impact - from taking a simple step - it was accompanied by a lingering bout of pins and needles, lasting anywhere upto an hour once I'd completed a single instance of walking. An electrical storm in my legs.

Any activity is a war. Finding a comfortable spot in bed or in a chair. Having a shower. Even toileting is a fucking to do.

I'm getting frustrated. I'm getting angry. I'm weeping alot. It takes everything I have to erect a veneer so that no-one sees. I'm a shitty builder.

I am able to get some respite from it with Paracetamol and Ibuprofen taken together. But they aren't all that effective. Everything is hard. Even showering. Even toileting.

We're entering a phase of recovery now that isn't going to be pleasant. I have to ride the wave of withdrawal and hope that this will settle in a few days. I have to be patient when pain and patience are the worst of partners.

I have to rely on myself now and I'm not very reliable.


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