Tuesday, November 7, 2017

An Emotional Entropy.

I experience periods of self loathing at least ten times a day. 

Sometimes, they occur for no other reason than an autonomous biological chemistry in my mind. Sometimes, they are a product of my own idiocy - or inadequacy - or both.

I don't set out to be an arsehole. I know, deep down, that's not me.

But things in this world scare me. Everything I thought I knew about it is slowly and surely deconstructing. 

It's not enough for me to accept things as they are. I feel as though I have to challenge the orthodoxy, because I fear there is something inherently wrong with it. I fear it is out of control. I feel I need to stand apart from the group think. 

But, when I walk into an unfamiliar room, engage with a stranger, question them... 

It's bound to come undone and I know this - implicitly - before it even happens.

Yet I barrel forward anyway. Because, somewhere in the corridors of my mind - my conscience - I hold something that is well meaning. An important point of view. My attempt to question - mentally - is honorable. 

The execution...?

I am an incompetent driver of this vehicle. And I know, even before it happens, that only one thing *can* happen. 

I will crash and it will be destructive.

The older I get, the less certain I am of everything. I realize know very little. My thinking is limited. I am constantly plagued with doubt. 

I wish I were different. I wish I had the confidence, the nimbleness of mind to be more considerate in my discourse. Respectful.

I am governed by an experience - a series of experiences - I wish I'd never had.

There's a word for that, for this. For me...


Is that it? Who knows. I'm too dumb to know myself.

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