Friday, January 1, 2016

The Snore Of Destiny.

So...I have a snoring problem.

I've had it for some time and it appears to be becoming more consistent. At least, this is what my partner tells me. For a while, I did the oft-done thing and denied it. Told her that she must be dreaming it and I know for sure that I do not have a problem. And here was my first downfall - because my partner has an iPhone...and she knows how to use it.

Now, with this rather sobering evidence in hand, we both agree (trust me, I've checked) that my snore is not ground shakingly terrible, nor is it constant. But it is significant enough that it is waking my partner (who is a light sleeper) at night and forcing her to leave our bed. This is  depressing on two fronts.

Depressing that she has to leave the bed and thus I wake in the morning, alone...and depressing because of the realisation that another night has gone by in which I have snored.

Once I got over myself...and admitted that I have a problem, I have set about trying to solve it non surgically. Since my snore, as I've said already, is not an extinction level event - yet - it is reasonable to assume that I can correct this without resorting to cutting my throat out. I began by trying to contort myself into positions in bed and on pillows in such a way that would enhance airflow into my throat and neuter my snore. All I suceeded in doing was straining parts of my body that I did not think could be strained.

So, I proceeded to the next stage of non-surgical remedies - the kinds that grace many a pharmacists shelf. But herein lies the rub. There are so many non surgical "remedies" out there that it is almost impossible to work out what is B.S. and what is, well, not B.S.

I like to think I have a reasonable bullshit meter but, in the interests of solving this problem, I have committed to trying as many as I to see if I can hit the jackpot.

I first happened upon a packet of adhesive nasal strips or "splints" at my local chemist that are supposed to open ones nasal passages to allow greater airflow into the nose and throat. On night one, I applied one of these strips and, right away, I was dubious at best. At worst, I felt like a dickhead. Come morning, the snore hadn't resolved and the strip had disappeared from my nose and it was a complete mystery to us as to where it had gone.

Until I went to the toilet.

The adhesive is actually really strong. My pubes can attest to this.

The next remedy I tried was an anti-snoring throat spray. "Clinically tested" and boasting a "92% reported reduction in snoring" I gave it a go.

This shit is a cross between that cream in a can you can buy mixed with diesel fuel. You are required to insert the supplied applicator as far back into your throat as possible and spray for at least a full 1 - 2 seconds. It fills your throat with a foam that temporarily blocks your passages until it coats your throat in a disgusting slick.

It didn't work.

Yesterday, whilst on a leisurely drive out here on Kangaroo Island, we stopped by a Eucalyptus Oil Distillery at Emu Ridge.

Entering the shop attached to the Distillery and seeing the rows of little bottles of essential oils on the shelf, I immediately began to wonder if there might be a remedy worthy of exploration. There was, contained in a little booklet, just such a remedy supplied by a lady from Victor Harbour, who I am sure is a lovely lady who wears floral aprons a lot and bakes beautiful sponge cakes. The remedy consists of one drop of Eucalyptus oil, one drop of Tea tree oil and one drop of Lavender oil onto your pillow or a tissue at bed time.

Attracted by the thought of not having to shove a probe down my throat like a Face Hugger from "Alien", I bought three small bottles of said oil. Last night I tried the recipe on a tissue and couldn't decide whether to lay the tissue daintily on my chest or shove it up my nostrils. I tried both and dropped off to bed reading "The Casquette Girls" by Alys Arden.

I woke this morning, alone again...naturally.

These are early days admittedly, and the three failed experiments I have outlined here were always going to be a little out there. But, for the sake of my marriage and a harmonious budoir, the search for the Holy Grail continues. I'm the Indiana Jones on the trail of the Lost Ark of the Banished Snore.

I'm not happy.

Oh, and by the way...Happy Fucking New Year.



  1. Hi Dean,
    ("Not an extinction level event" ha ha!). You are not alone. My wife has had to endure my dreadful snoring too, for years. As you say, for us, I don't think any of those over the counter remedies worked. I'll be interested to hear how you get on.

  2. Dean,
    ("Not an extinction level event" ha ha!). You are not alone. My wife has had to endure my dreadful snoring too, for years. As you say, for us, I don't think any of those over the counter remedies worked. I'll be interested to hear how you get on.

  3. This is at least amusing and Useful To Know information, Dean, though I sympathize with both you and your mate! I'm a light sleeper who's been driven out of the room by snoring too (even my kids' snoring down the hall), and I know I snore myself sometimes. So basically I'll just assure you that sleeping in the same room is not the most important thing for a marriage - I mean, you're both unconscious at the time; how much could it matter? Far more important you're both healthy and well-rested, so if you need some nights in separate rooms to accomplish that, that is fine, because your conscious waking hours together will be so much better. Or so I am claiming, and my husband is going along with this. :) Take heart!

    1. You make an argument that I cannot denounce at all Mol.

      I think I've watched too much Bold and the Beautiful...