The Twenty Ninth Year - A Schwannoma Diary.

Where to begin with this...

So...I've had to digest a lot of news in a short space of time this past week, so my thoughts are a jumble. I'm probably going to struggle to express myself coherently here. But, bare with me. Okay?

There's a background to this story that I'll relate to you in a potted form. It's a story that began back in 1989 when I was 14 years old. 

I was a reasonably active kid. Good at swimming, average at football. Decent at cricket - though nothing to write home about. I was always a little clumsy, uncoordinated. I had a terrible drop punt and I used to trip and fall over myself a bit. It was embarrassing sure, but I didn't get too worried about it. My Star Wars game was always better than my Australian Rules game. One morning in late May, during a junior football match, I suddenly collapsed and was rendered unable to walk. After a flurry of medical examinations and a series of scans, I was diagnosed with a tumour in my spinal cord - a schwannoma. It was growing out of the spinal cord itself, it's parastic tissue intimately emeshed with the cord. It was to turn my teenaged life upside down for the next two years. 

I had two operations back then to remove the tumour and clean up some scarring that caused some issues afterwards. I had to re-learn how to walk. I had to manage a few functional issues involving my bladder and bowels and I somehow had to navigate the psychological comprehension of a traumatic experience that upended my adolescence.

I was told at the time that this tumour was a fluke - a once off. Owing to its slow growing nature, there was zero likelihood of this thing ever returning in my lifetime. Aside from a few functional issues, I should be able to lead a normal life.

Twenty Nine Years later...

I've documented my recent *exploits* here with my throat - how a dysfunctional branch of nerves in my neck caused havoc with my ability to swallow, speak and breath effectively. Having largely conquered that episode, I was referred to a Neurologist to investigate the underlying aetiology of this nerve dysfunction 

I was concerned there was an inflammatory causative factor for the whole throat thing. Some additional symptoms I'd been experiencing - including visual deterioration in my left eye, a sudden inability to taste or smell, some incontinence and *other* dysfunction - led my neurologist to want to rule out that very inflammatory pathology. We discussed Multiple Sclerosis, even Parkinson's Disease.

I agreed to undergo a battery of tests in order to build a case against these. A series of blood tests, urine, a lumbar puncture, neurological exam, an MRI. I underwent these tests, determined to get to the bottom of this mystery, because I didn't want it weighing on me any longer. This had been two years out of my life, in which - you know - I would've rathered been focusing on something else. 

I'm at a stage in my life where there's not a lot that shocks me anymore. As an Intensive Care Nurse, I've seen a fair bit - maladies, trauma, disease, the expected and the unexpected. 

I received a phone call from my GP last week, requesting that I make and appointment to see her. I sat down with her after a long night duty shift on Wednesday morning.

The MRI scan found a tumour, located in my lower spinal cord - very close to where the original schwannoma had been found in 1989. 

A tumour - that was never supposed to recurr.

I was shocked, stunned, numb.

Remember? This was never supposed to happen. 

Things have moved fairly quickly. I have met with a Neurosurgeon, and we have discussed my options, which I might say, are pretty straightforward. I will have to undergo surgery to remove the tumour. Plans are afoot in that direction and I'll be undergoing a second series of scans later this week to *map* out the exact geography and extent of the lesion. It is growing out of the spinal cord itself, so the surgical team need to know - to the millimetre - how emeshed this mass is.

At the moment, I'm approaching all this with a clinician's mind as much as I am a patient's. It's a confusing state. I've expressed little outward emotion about the diagnosis so far. Rather, I've been digesting the reports and the MRI films. I've mulled over the technical aspects of the prospective surgery. I've weighed up the chances of this thing being a malignancy. By erecting a veneer of distance between the diagnosis, I can keep my emotions in check.

This is not to say that I am completely divorced from them. This recurrence has implications beyond the mere presence of the tumour - implications that I can't bring myself to process just yet. There is, deep down, a maelstrom of emotions.

There is fear. There is disbelief. There is anger.

My mind teeters on the edge of this chaos so I'm doing everything I can to focus on the process dispassionately.

This may seem strange, but I'm more worried about more fundamental things - like, how I'm going to get through the next little while - I mean, it's bloody Christmas. I have to pay the bills, support my family, give my kids a Christmas to treasure - this Christmas is certainly going to be interesting. 

I want to get back on my feet as soon as I can. I can't stay idle. It'll drive me nuts. I can't allow this thing to upend my life again. 

The stakes are too high.

Is this a diary? I think this is a diary. Let's call it a diary.

I can't breathe now. I need to stop writing. I'll talk a little more soon.

DFA.

I'm Head Over Heels With Evie Snow!

Okay. Now for some lighter fare from me - (that last post was a little heavy wasn't it).

So, I've discovered another grand romance author that I just have to tell you about. I've spent the last couple of weeks completely in thrall with Evie Snow and the first entries in her "Sanctuary" series. I have to confess that I'm more than just a little familiar with Evie because she is actually the brain child of one of my favourite authors and all round good people, Georgina Penney - oh she of the equally grand Blaine sisters trilogy.

Best-selling author Georgina (George) Penney does the actual writing and reads far too many books. Her husband, Tony Johnson (AKA The Kraken) helps out with plot wrangling and is in charge of caffeine distribution. Franky, their surly cat also helps by running the complaints department from his hiding place under the coffee table.

With Evie Snow, Georgina and Tony have gone in a fun direction, crafting novels that are quick fire, sexy and sumptuous. Yet they retain signature aspects of Georgina's approach to romantic fiction - chiefly among them, her knack of dropping in an emotionally weighty undercurrent that serves to lift her characters and stories to a level above the standard romantic fare. 

So I want to focus on two titles today, the first two in the Sanctuary series "Head Over Heels" & "California Dreaming". I actually read these 'arse about'. The relatively short novella Head Over Heels was the introduction to the picturesque California coastal town of Sanctuary (think Monterey smooshed together with Gilmore Girls), followed by California Dreaming, which is a longer form novel that deepens the feel and the place of Sanctuary. It probably matters little, which order you read them in but I'd recommend you play by Evie's rules.

Head Over Heels follows the misadventures (??) of plucky pin-up clothing store owner Madeline Evans. Madeline always spends her July 4th on the beach writing down her goals while she keeps an eye out for her fantasy man. Every year, she watches her almost-prom-date-turned-famous-actor jog along the same beach where she writes her resolutions. But she never expected to actually have to talk to him…

Cal Greyson’s acting career just took a sharp turn for the worse. After losing his bid to star in a blockbuster flick, his steady job at a soap opera is cut short in the most embarrassing way possible. It’s the cherry on the sundae when he falls down during his annual jog through his hometown beach. As the onlookers start recording with their smart-phones, he’s rescued by the most surprising person imaginable…

The former high school classmates hide out in Madeline’s house until the coast is clear. As they revisit the past, a little white lie Madeline spread about Cal in her youth may keep them from fantasizing about their future…

As I mentioned, Head Over Heels is a quick fire read that plays out as a cheeky character study. It's comical, its dialogue is snappy and smart and it dances deftly between the two central characters of Madeline and Cal who have an awkward past that is a touch bittersweet. How they appraise that past and parlay that into a reflection of where they're both at now is engaging, sweet and - did I say sexy? Yeah - it's damn sexy!

California Dreaming  follows the travails of two people who are wrestling with somewhat fractious pasts - always great fodder for good romance. Jared Nairn needs a new start and a good night’s rest. After enduring a combat zone, a rocky divorce, and chronic insomnia, the quaint California town of Sanctuary seems like just the place to rebuild. He hopes that an appointment with the local meditation expert will cure his lack of sleep. After duty on the frontline, hypnosis should be a breeze…

Mai Tran has treated her fair share of men without much interest of dropping their defenses. So when a nervous veteran strides into her office, it’s nothing out of the ordinary… except for the instant attraction that seems to be completely mutual. But with someone spreading false rumors about nefarious activity during Mai’s sessions, she’s hesitant to start a relationship with a client. Any potential scandal could break her and bankrupt her practice… 

After a meditation track mixup, Jared and Mai can’t help but indulge their more passionate natures. When both of their pasts come back to haunt them, the veteran and the hypnotist must decide just how much they’re willing to risk for love…

I feel as though I know this wonderful coastal region of California a lot more than I did before reading California Dreaming. Here, Evie has crafted a delightful and heartwarming romance, filled with small town charm - a'la Gilmore Girls - and an eclectic cast led by the soulful therapist Mai Tran and former soldier Jared Nairn. They are attractive people right off the page and they are well drawn, informed by intriguing back stories that add real depth and complexity and contribute great story moments to the narrative herein. I was invested in them from the outset and quickly came to care for Mai and Jared as their budding romance took some sweet, sexy and quite unpredictable turns.

That beautiful knack, Penney/Snow has of weaving a serious narrative undercurrent to her work makes California Dreaming a thought provoking read. It is always a pleasant surprise to see how the author tackles these and you inevitably leave her stories feeling as though you've encountered something important in them.

Both Head Over Heels and California Dreaming are everything that is lovely about good romantic storytelling. I adored them both.

With more titles coming from Evie Snow in the Sanctuary series and additional series to boot, romance readers will be spoiled for choice. Her website alone is a fantastic portal to explore to get a feel of where her journey is headed. You've simply got to check it out!

Visit Evie Snow here. 

Connect with Evie Snow here. 

Tweet with Evie Snow here. 

DFA.

Anxiety At The Edge.

I'm back here. 

Again. 

Again???

There has been a disturbing turn in a direction with my health - one that seems inconceivable to me after the past two years of multiple surgeries on my throat. 

I was in a place towards the end of last year, where it seemed as though we had found a solution to the choking problems I was experiencing. I had begun receiving a series of injections of botulinum toxin - (yeah that botulinum toxin) - in an effort to paralyze a dysfunctional region of my throat that was randomly going into spasm during the act of speech and swallowing.  

After what was a hopeful response, I've had a major setback. My dysfunctional throat, which seems determined to kill me, is not responding to the treatment. To be specific, the injections were designed to paralyze a ring of muscle at the top of my throat - just under the vocal cords - called the cricopharyngeal ring.

In its normal state, that ring of muscle is supposed to relax and contract rhythmically with the act of swallowing, allowing food to pass safely into the oesophagus. During speech, it is supposed to contract and stay contracted in order to facilitate airflow over the vocal cords. 

In me, the cricopharyngeal ring spasms uncontrollably during swallowing and speaking, leaving me at risk of food and liquid regurgitating into my airway and lungs. Food and fluid on the lungs is not a good thing.

Basically - you can drown. And I have come close a few times. 

This all relates back to the dysfunctional nerve supply in my neck that precipitated the surgery I had on my vocal cords in 2016 and 2017. Initially, we believed that only my vocal cords were affected. It turns out the pharynx is involved as well. 

So where to? 

I can't believe I'm saying this - much less typing it - but I'm going back into hospital for more surgery. 

The only credible path for me to take now is to undergo a procedure in which the cricopharyngeal ring, along with part of the pharynx, will be cut in order to neutralize the muscle completely and permanently. By severing the muscle it will be rendered useless and will prevent the pharynx from going into spasm during the act of swallowing and speech. It will also widen the pharynx at the top of my oesophagus, technically making the passage of food easier once the tongue propels food and fluid into it. On paper, it appears straight forward. 

Right? 

The following diagram sets out the procedure in a fairly sterile manner. It was provided to me by my surgeon yesterday.  

Cricopharyngeal Myotomy (image credit OSEO.org)

To access the structures of the neck, they'll create an incision down the left side of my neck, then retract the muscles, veins, arteries and nerves around my pharynx in order to reveal the cricopharyngeal muscle. During the procedure, they'll need to sacrifice an artery and vein that supply my thyroid gland, but these are considered redundant vessels as the thyroid gland is generously supplied by multiple vessels and is quite a vascular gland. The sacrificed vein and artery will be clipped with special titanium clips (so that'll be fancy). Once the cricopharyngeal ring and pharynx are identified, the surgeon will divide (or cut) the ring down to the pharyngeal wall and extend that incision down the pharynx about 5cm. The pharynx itself will then herniate through the incision (see Diagram C) which is the objective - to create a widening of pharynx that will allow food and fluid to pass freely into the oesophagus without the risk of the muscle going into spasm. The surgeon will close up and I'll have a stay in hospital to recover. Aside from a few technical additions to the procedure, that's basically it. 

So, how am I feeling about this?

To be honest, I'm too numb to be frightened at the moment. After multiple procedures and attempts at solving this problem, it's like Groundhog Day to be back here again. I'm exhausted. I have been living day to day (and night) in a state of silent, anticipatory terror. Every time I sit down to a meal, I wonder whether this will be the meal that will cause my throat to seize completely and choke me to death. Every time I hold what little conversation I can hold, I wonder whether the mere act of speech will cause my throat to go into spasm and choke me to death. I said earlier I have come close a number of times. The most frightening occasions have occurred when I have been asleep.

I am frightened at the prospect of this surgery and I know that fear will become more acute as I approach the day - May 4th by the way. There's an old maxim among Nurses that goes "A little bit of knowledge is dangerous." Having entered my 23rd year as a Nurse, the irony of that maxim is not lost on me. I know what's involved. I know the risks. This surgery is delicate. It's a blessing and curse.

I also know under the care of a brilliant surgeon and his team are among the best I have encountered - both as a Nurse and as a patient. I'll be in a facility of which I am familiar. There won't be a lot of strangers there. I trust them implicitly. So, there's a flip side that gives me a little to feel good about.

After two years, I feel like I'm in a no-win situation. I really need to have a win. 

DFA.

Trailer Park.

One thing I've done in support of marketing my books is to put together a book trailer. It's not a new concept and plenty of authors are doing it. With a little bit of imagination, and some patience, book trailers can come out looking pretty good.

Of course, You Tube is the best avenue for uploading and promoting your book trailers, but Facebook, Amazon and Goodreads all offer a similar facility for uploading video trailers.

Here are three trailers I've put together for my three books so far.

One of the best pieces of advice I've received in creating book trailers is that no trailer should be more than roughly a minute long. Attention spans for an unknown or obscure quantity are only good for about a minute, after which, you can be guaranteed they'll switch off. 

I think I've broken that minute rule with every one of these trailers. Did you last? Let me know in the comments. 

DFA.

2016 International Teaser Trailer for "The Recipient" by Dean Mayes.

2012 International Teaser trailer for "Gifts of The Peramangk" by Dean Mayes.

2010 International Teaser Trailer for "The Hambledown Dream" by Dean Mayes.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi - Ambitious. Confusing. Maddening.

So, regular readers to this blog and those who know me well, know that my love of Star Wars runs deep - 40 years deep - ever since my Dad took me to see the original Star Wars back in 1977.

I went to see The Last Jedi yesterday with my family, replicating that first excursion to Star Wars all those years ago. For my 8 year old daughter, it was a special occasion as it was our first cinematic experience of Star Wars together.

It was always going to be special. 

I came away from The Last Jedi not really knowing what to think. To absorb something set in a fictional universe you've loved for 40 years is always a challenge, simply because you're emotionally invested in it. You have skin in this game. 

So, 24 hours later, what do I think about this film?

It's complicated.

I'm still trying to process exactly what I saw in The Last Jedi. Undoubtedly, it was the most complex Star Wars film of the saga to date but, I think they were too ambitious in some aspects of the film.

So here goes...

The Last Jedi was half an hour too long. It made several attempts at comedy, some of which was good, some was not so good and some ran dangerously close to breaching that fourth wall. It was cringe worthy. Characters - both new and established - did things in this film that seemed out of place for Star Wars and, at times, it jarred badly. That wasn't something I expected.

If I'm to compare The Last Jedi - the middle act of a three act play - with it's spiritual predecessor, the Empire Strikes Back, this film should have adhered to two or three key story threads and ran with them to a cliffhanger. The Last Jedi went with around six or seven and of those, none were satisfyingly resolved or parked for the third act. They were confusing and and they detracted from the strengths of the film.

And much of the story didn't need to be there. For example, the Canto Bight sequences. For all its Bond-esque bombast and chintz, this thread was brutally unsatisfying and it didn't need to be there.

See the thing is - they had a perfect plot device that would have explained the First Order being able to track the Resistance through hyperspace. They had a black BB unit on the bridge of the Raddus, *next to BB8* early in the film! 

That Droid *could* have been the node the First Order were using to track the Resistance ship through hyperspace!

Writer/Director Rian Johnson could have dropped clues to the presence of this droid throughout out the film and dispensed with Canto Bight altogether. In the process they would've saved potentially 20 minutes of run time and kept the story more contained. 

Finn and Rose could still have had their character moments in searching for the node and it would have been a lot more satisfying. 

The whole DJ subplot - that crafty code breaker played (poorly) by Benicio Del Toro - where he eventually sold Finn and Rose out on the deck of Snoke's Super Dooper Star Destroyer - it was a messy way to get where they needed to go.

The supporting players in this film - some of them established, some newcomers - fell surprisingly flat, despite their acting chops. Kelly Marie Tran's Rose Tico was a pleasant enough but she ended up being a nothing character who felt tacked on and too obvious at times. She was there to be a love interest for John Boyega's Finn but that trajectory was way too clunky and cringe worthy at the supposedly emotion charged climax.

I did like aspects of John Boyega's Finn's arc - ie. his finding courage within himself and not running away from the fight was good and satisfying. Especially at that moment during the Crait battle. But I felt it was less than it could have been - and yet I don't know how it could have been more.

Laura Dern's Admiral Holdo was another new addition who fell flat. Her presence in the film was way too convoluted to be convincing and it became painful to watch. And I read the Journey to the Last Jedi novel Leia: Princess of Alderaan which was a good primer for the relationship between Holdo and Leia. Their relationship here and the supposedly clandestine final solution they'd cooked up off screen was flat and confusing.

Chewbacca was relegated to a second string character and I thought they treated him badly. I wanted to see moments of Chewie dealing with his grief at losing Han Solo - his best friend - and perhaps coming full circle and committing a life debt to Rey. I wanted to see more gravitas in the reunion between Chewie and Luke. There was none of that. Chewie was almost non existent, forced to interact with the worst Star Wars creations since Jar Jar Binks  - the Porgs. 

Captain Phasma...

This character has become the most useless excuse for a Star Wars antagonist ever. I don't ever want to see her in Star Wars ever again. And yet, here's the thing - I actually feel for actress Gwendoline Christie and, even the character of Phasma.

I've seen Christie's work, most notably with Game Of Thrones, and I know she is capable of so much more than what they gave her across The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi. I kept spotting places where they could've dropped Phasma into scenes but they didn't - and the character suffered that.most egregious of fates - she became irrelevant.

Now, is she dead? No. I don't think so. I think they'll bring her back because they revealed her eye in that last scene and her fall reeked of "Oh, you know we're gonna bring her back".

Now - Rey's parentage.

My wife Emily, who regards herself herself as a casual Star Wars viewer observed this in our post viewing dissection. Emily loved the The Force Awakens. She loved Rey and she was really invested in finding out who Rey's parents were. 

Lucasfilm teased us with Rey's parentage -  both in the run up to the film and within the film itself. They teased us with that whole Dark Side sink hole sequence on Ach-To - the one Rey fell into, then encountered the multiple versions of herself. 

They teased us right up to the point of threatening a reveal of her parents - only to reveal herself. It was a shallow imitation of the whole Luke confronting himself in the tree on Dagobah from The Empire Strikes Back! No! No, no, no! 

Then, to have Kylo Ren deliver that limp wristed revelation about her parentage, later, on Snoke's Star Destroyer? 

Seriously???

Lucasfilm have had two years to offer something of significance with Rey, that would truly elevate her and they allow Rian Johnson to go with something so weak???

Rian Johnson has essentially written Rey off as a nobody - a worthy nobody - but a nobody nonetheless. Despite this revelation, Rey chooses the path of the Light. It is an admirable choice on her part and it defines her character as inherently good. This actually reminded me of a similar thread from Denis Villeneuve's outstanding Blade Runner 2049. 

In that film, the protagonist K discovers that he is not the secret child of Deckard and Rachel. He is, essentially, a nobody - a no-one of significance. Yet he, chooses to do the right thing in reuniting Deckard with his long lost child - because it is the right thing to do. Star Wars does not have the luxury of doing that. No one who is Force sensitive should be an insignificant player on the Star Wars chessboard. The lore that George Lucas established throughout the original trilogy and the prequel trilogy, with respect to Force sensitive individuals does not allow for that. 

I actually suspect that the reveal of Rey's parentage by Ben?Kylo was a misdirection. If that is the case, it was a monumentally clumsy one.

Now, there were strengths in The Last Jedi - narrative arcs that ran close to being brilliant - until they weren't.

Kylo Ren's arc was among the strongest in the film. Ben Solo/Kylo Ren is pretty much irretrievable by the end of the film and his killing of Snoke illustrates just how dark he has become. Supreme Leader Snoke is partly responsible for who Solo/Ren is. So is Luke Skywalker. I found this was a compelling exploration of the Balance of The Force and how precarious that balance is.

And Ben/Kylo's twisted psyche totally feeds into the legacy of Anakin/Darth in that he craves power so that he can control events and shape the galaxy. He will do anything to achieve ultimate power to protect himself. He will manipulate Rey, destroy Snoke, confront his shame ridden Uncle.

Mark Hamill was brilliant - flawed brilliance - but brilliance none-the-less. His performance is potentially Oscar worthy. Hamill brought moments of real emotion to his role and I felt those. Any actor who can cry on screen is a genius!

I can fully accept Luke Skywalker's act in wanting to put down Ben Solo in the flash back scenes in the film. His fear of Ben's darkness and what it could mean for the galaxy was a brilliant exploration of the character and added much to the lore of Luke Skywalker. 

To apply a real world analogy to this - I consider my own experience. Sitting here, in my 40's as I am, I can buy into that sense of middle aged doubt Luke Skywalker experiences. I have doubts about the world around me, the people in it, the consequences for the future. While not wanting to actually kill anyone per-se, I felt empathy with Luke wrestling with his existence as portrayed in the film.  

What I could not accept was that Luke Skywalker remained on Ach-To safe from the events of the Crait climax. This was the Jedi equivalent of phoning it in.

Initially, I couldn't even determine whether his entrance into the Resistance hide out was  physical or not. But when that fact was revealed, it was a disappointment. 

Luke Skywalker should have made that final decision to protect the Spark *in person* - to reunite with Leia just one last time and confront Kylo/Ben on the salt flats of Crait. The resulting duel between Uncle and Nephew fell flat. It had no emotional punch - because Luke wasn't actually there. It was disrespectful to the character and his legacy.

That Luke Skywalker died alone, away from the fight, was another example of Lucasfilm copping out with an attempt at gravitas that was an utter failure. Luke Skywalker should not have died on Ach-To. He shouldn't have died in this film. 

And nor should have Snoke.

Here's where I have to talk about Snoke. 

Fuck Snoke!! 

Supreme Leader Snoke is the most egregious mishandling of a character in Star Wars - ever. Again, for Lucasfilm to manipulate us, for two years, with tantalizing ideas about the origins of Snoke -  only to *not* give us any idea of who Snoke is. Then to kill him off like that?

We have no context with which to remain invested in Snoke. Who was he? How was it that he was able to wield absolute chaos over the Skywalker family? We got none of that. The Last Jedi should have explored that. Instead, he became a throw away character - disposable and irrelevant.

I now couldn't give a shit who Snoke is in the wider arc of this story. I don't need to know his history. I don't care! Again, we have another character who should have been someone of significance in the Star Wars universe. Lucasfilm baulked! As though it was too hard. 

As the middle act of a three act play, The Last Jedi should have followed the trajectory of The Empire Strikes Back. It should have deepened the characters established in The Force Awakens and their relationships with one another. It should not have dispensed with characters so easily as it did. And it should have ended in a cliff hanger - unresolved, with us fearing for the future of our beloved heroes. It misfired on most of these, if not all of them.

Look, I did not hate The Last Jedi. The more time I spend thinking about it, the more I like what they tried to do with the story, particularly Like Skywalker and Kylo Ren's respective arcs, the nature of the Force and the precarious balance it constantly challenges those in the universe with. 

But, I have a lot of difficulty with what Rian Johnson did give us. The Snoke arc. The Canto Bight and the DJ sequence. Rey's arc and parentage. These showed a surprising level of incompetence and cowardice in the story telling and I think Johnson has damaged the trajectory of the sequel saga. It remains to be seen whether J.J. Abrams - who is returning to direct the final film in this current trilogy - can pull something together out of this spaghetti bolognaise.

The Last Jedi - Ambitious. Confusing. Maddening. 

DFA.

(disclaimer - all images are copyright of Lucasfilm/Disney).

An Emotional Entropy.

I experience periods of self loathing at least ten times a day. 

Sometimes, they occur for no other reason than an autonomous biological chemistry in my mind. Sometimes, they are a product of my own idiocy - or inadequacy - or both.

I don't set out to be an arsehole. I know, deep down, that's not me.

But things in this world scare me. Everything I thought I knew about it is slowly and surely deconstructing. 

It's not enough for me to accept things as they are. I feel as though I have to challenge the orthodoxy, because I fear there is something inherently wrong with it. I fear it is out of control. I feel I need to stand apart from the group think. 

But, when I walk into an unfamiliar room, engage with a stranger, question them... 

It's bound to come undone and I know this - implicitly - before it even happens.

Yet I barrel forward anyway. Because, somewhere in the corridors of my mind - my conscience - I hold something that is well meaning. An important point of view. My attempt to question - mentally - is honorable. 

The execution...?

I am an incompetent driver of this vehicle. And I know, even before it happens, that only one thing *can* happen. 

I will crash and it will be destructive.

The older I get, the less certain I am of everything. I realize know very little. My thinking is limited. I am constantly plagued with doubt. 

I wish I were different. I wish I had the confidence, the nimbleness of mind to be more considerate in my discourse. Respectful.

I am governed by an experience - a series of experiences - I wish I'd never had.

There's a word for that, for this. For me...

Entropy.

Is that it? Who knows. I'm too dumb to know myself.

Social Media Outing - The Weinstein Factor & The Risk Of Getting It Wrong.

I've been wrestling with something recently that has seen me run afoul of a few people. 

It has to do with the issue of publicly outing individuals - via social media - who have (allegedly) sexually harrassed or committed acts of sexual violence. 

I initially opened with an abrupt tweet, in which I made an observation the comparison between being made to feel uncomfortable and the ongoing practice of female genital mutilation in some parts of the world - particularly parts of the world where women have no access to social media and no access to justice.

This was inconsiderate and rude on my part.

With the now proven allegations of multiple instances of sexual violence committed by Harvey Weinstein and others, there has been a daily procession of men being outed via social media for their behaviour. In some cases multiple women have publicly accused the same individual of sexual harrassment/violence. Such instances are undoubtedly worthy of investigation and I believe that law enforcement agencies should be rallied to investigate those instances to the fullest extent. 

But here's the thing. 

With the daily procession of new accusations appearing on social media, particularly Twitter and Facebook - some quite serious accusations - I am growing increasingly concerned and I question the wisdom of using such platforms to "out" perpertators of sexual harrasment/violence.

Publicly accusing individuals of sexual harrasment/violence removes the long held legal maxim of innocent until proven guilty. If so many of these instances are being publicly declared, it creates a web of enquiry any investigative process couldn't possibly hope to explore and prove.

A common argument I've seen made is that law enforcement agencies and legal institutions repeatedly fail to act in investigating cases of sexual harrasment/violence. But how can they hope to act when allegations are publicly expressed and commented on, on social media jeopardizing any chance of an effective investigation? 

Another argument I've seen is that reporting services and support for victims are inadequate or non existent. 

This is simply not true. 

A search for reporting and counselling services across major cities world wide throws up numerous and well resourced organizations who are especially equipped to help individuals - men and women - who have experienced sexual harrasment/violence. They have established links with law enforcement agencies and health organizations who can continue with support and guidance. 

The risk with social media is that it cannot be vetted. Accusations posted on social media cannot hope to be tested throughly, nor can support for victims hope to be anything close to adequate.

And what if an accuser gets it wrong? What if the agenda of an accuser is less than honorable? What if the accused is triggered by such allegations and decides to act - violently?

I posed these questions in an extensive Twitter exchange with several people yesterday, as the result of my questioning the wisdom of publicly outing someone accused of committing acts of sexual harrassment/violence. 

I was attacked, ridiculed and received both death and rape threats. All because I dared to question the calling out of someone's behaviour publicly. 

Social media has given people all over the world a platform to express themselves in all kinds of ways. This is both good and bad.  

I believe the trend of publicly outing individuals is dangerous and it *will* lead to an instance of someone - who is completely innocent - having their life destroyed as a result. 

What do you think? Am I wrong?

The Snore Of Destiny Part Quatre.

The glow weave shirt, the nice pants and boots, the teeth brushed thrice. We're going to the surgeon today...

again...

fuck...

***

It's numbing, sitting here in the waiting room, ruminating over the fact that I'm here again. After 18 months, I'm back to square one. I've feel as though I have not advanced a centimeter. I've merely turned a circle. 

I'm reminded of a bee I saw a few days ago whilst out for a bike ride with my daughter. It was turning a circle on the kerbside. I guess it must have slapped into a passing car and, somehow, survived the impact. There it was, turning this futile circle, probably brain damaged, unable to do anything else. I feel a sense of camaraderie with that bee in this moment. 

Futility. Damage. 

I feel I've reached a point where I feel as though things seem irreparable, and no amount of surgical 'tinkering' will get me back to that state where everything just worked. 

I fear sleep because every time I lay down, I wonder if this is going to be the night when I drown in my own fluids? 

I fear speech because of the crass stares I get when my voice begins to fail & it looks as if I'm going to throw up. I see how they look at me. It's a mix of incredulity and disgust. They take a step or two back, fearful of being in the firing line. 

I look at food with ambivalence because I can't taste it, or smell it. I can't smell a flower, or register the scent of Chanel on my wife's skin. There's no olfactory pleasure - just an occasional 'meaty' nothing taste on my tongue that occasionally hints at something rotting. 

I wonder if that's me? Am I rotting?

It's a curious thought, isn't it.

The waiting room is full. It's a nice space, if a little full. There are lots of people around me. 

I wonder if they're warring with their own minds, the way I am right now?

***

Impairment of the right inferior constrictor and laryngeal muscles related to a neuroma...

Recent increase in dysphagia...

A tendency towards micropenetration/aspiration events...

For modified barium swallow with speech pathology...

***

More study. More intelligence gathering. More planning. 

For what?

DFA.

The Red Pill or The Blue Pill - Entering the world of Cryptocurrency.

"Be curious. Read widely. Try new things. What people call intelligence just boils down to curiosity" - Aaron Swartz.

I've been vaguely aware of the terms "blockchain" and "cryptocurrency" for several months now - probably since the beginning of 2017. Of course, "Bitcoin" is another term I've heard frequently, though my awareness of it, is older. My attention was drawn back to it, however - like most people I suspect - during the "WannaCry" hacking incident that occurred in May 2017. "WannaCry" was a global hacking attack in which corporate and government IT infrastructure was hacked and held for ransom by actors who demanded payment in Bitcoin before they would "release" their hold over affected systems. It caused all manner of mayhem for several weeks as institutions grappled with a crisis that crippled their networks. 

I think this incident, more than any other really, got me focused on the idea of digital currency. 

Rather than be scared of the idea of digital currency and how it could be used nefariously, I instead became more intrigued by it. What is this supposedly intangible thing? How does it work? I soon discovered that the world of blockchain technologies and cryptocurrency is one offering some pretty serious - if a little volatile - opportunities. 

Right now, there is a whole marketplace that trades in various forms of digital currency. Not only that, the idea that currency used to transact between individuals anywhere in the world - without the need for a third party like a bank - is one I think has the potential to be a game changer in our life time - and not only in the area of currency trading. 

I've dived in to the pool and I thought I'd share what I have discovered so far. Now, I will say up front that this is my own experience to date and a lot of what I describe will require you to do further reading. However, I encourage questions and feedback in the comments section. This will enable me to discuss my experience further and address things I may have left out. 

The process of getting started in digital currency investment and trading was daunting but, when I think back on it now, it was surprisingly easy. To begin trading, you need to visit an exchange, much like a share trading portal. For me, I began with the Australian based BTCMarkets website. 

Established in 2015, BTCMarkets has become recognized globally as a trusted exchange offering a secure trading environment where individuals can buy and sell various digital currencies. 

I registered and account, provided my details and verified my identity, and I followed the recommendations that would enable two factor authentication for my account. This is an added layer of security that is designed to protect you and it is well worth doing - especially given that you are dealing with actual money. Google offers a two factor authentication app that you can download to a smart phone. The app generates a six figure number that you then input into the relevant pane on the BTCMarkets login screen. You need to do this quickly, as the app generates a new number sequence within around 20 seconds that invalidates the previous sequence.

Splash page for BTCMarkets (image credit: BTCMarkets).

Google Authenticator for Android (image credit: Google Play).

Once set up, I then proceeded to the site's facility that would allow me to deposit money from my bank account to my trading account. BTCMarkets accepts deposits from certain banks and fortunately for me, my bank was listed. In order to facilitate the transfer, BTCMarkets partners with Australia Post's POLi Payments. POLi payments allows for immediate deposits from participating banks into trading accounts and I was impressed at just how quickly the transfer took place.

BTCMarkets deposit screen (image credit: BTCMarkets).

With my trading account funded, I was ready to purchase some currency. There is a dizzying amount of currencies being traded on exchanges like BTCMarkets but as an newcomer, I was influenced primarily by what I could afford. The well known Bitcoin currency is currently (as I write this) worth $5300AUD - just one Bitcoin! I told myself right away, I am never going to be able to afford that. The next most prominent currency is Ethereum, which is currently trading at $380AUD - still out of my league with the paltry $50AUD I deposited into my account. I was quickly drawn to a third currency called Ripple, or XRP as it is known. At around 0.28 cents Australian, it was obviously the most affordable but I was interested in why it was ranked so highly on the BTCMarkets charts. 

Before purchasing, I undertook a little research to find out just what XRP actually is and I discovered there is a sound corporate entity underpinning it.

Ripple corporate logo (image credit: Ripple Labs).

Ripple is a San Francisco based company, which has developed a software solution to make transactions between financial institutions in different countries quicker. As it stands presently, sending money to someone overseas is a laborious task, involving multiple steps and it costs - both in time and money. Ripple's software solution allows participating institutions to process payments in a matter of seconds, regardless of where they are in the world, and it works in tandem with the cryptocurrency XRP. The following video, from Ripple, explains this process in a little more detail.

Ripple - the company - has been around since around 2012 but it has emerged as a major player in the cryptocurrency space, not only through its partnerships with banks but also with its XRP currency, which has grown in value exponentially since the start of 2017. 

I quickly decided this was the currency I was going to begin with. 

I made a purchase, a quick and easy process, and confirmed that I was now the owner of a small tranche of XRP. BTCMarkets says on their site that they can hold the XRP in my trading account indefinitely, but they did recommended I consider a longer term storage solution for my XRP off-site, as a secure option. This is the point at which I was introduced to the concept of wallet storage. 

A digital wallet is as its name suggests, a secure storage solution for your currency. It doesn't exist as a tangible object per se, although it does exist as a piece of software and there are many providers of wallet solutions out there. Again, as a newcomer to this, I wanted to begin with a wallet that would offer security and be easy to use and, after a search, I found one that ticked those boxes. 

Toast Wallet, designed specifically with Ripple's XRP in mind, is one such solution that is free to use and relatively easy to set up. I downloaded mine through Google Play and followed the set up instructions that included recommendations for enhancing the security of my account. 

Toast Wallet logo (image credit: StarStone Ltd).

Once I set my wallet up, I was introduced to another new concept - that being the idea of public and private keys. These are the two things that make transferring cryptocurrency possible, where the public key is basically like my public address or the address that I share with others so they can make payments of currency to me. The private key, is my proof of identity and must be kept secret because it allows access to my wallet account in case I were ever to lose it - say, in the instance of deleting the app from my current phone and restoring it to another. Both keys are just a string of alpha-numeric characters much like in the following image.

(image credit: CoinSutra).

It's worth noting here that, in the case of Ripple's XRP, any public key assigned to a holder of XRP is always going to begin with the letter 'r', while the private key will always begin with the letter 's'. This is important because you never want to be caught inadvertently sharing your private key with anyone. The common advice given with respect to private keys is to write your private key down on paper and then secure that piece of paper so that only you can access it.

To initiate a transfer of fund from my BTCMarkets trading account, I copied the public key from within the Toast Wallet app and pasted it into the withdrawal pane in my BTCMarkets.

Toast Wallet's UI featuring a Ripple public address (image credit Google Play/StarStone Ltd).

My BTCMarkets account's withdrawal screen where the wallet public address is pasted (image credit BTCMarkets).

BTCMarkets will prompt you to ensure your public address is correct, after which you hit the withdraw button and the process is complete. BTCMarkets say that this withdrawal should take no longer than 5 minutes, however they do add that it can take longer if they need to verify security parameters associated with the transfer. My experience so far has been variable. Out of three withdrawals I've made to my external wallet, two have taken up to 8 hours. I don't know why that has been the case, but they've gone through nonetheless.

So, I now have the tools to trade in cryptocurrency. I have a secure storage solution for my XRP and I have embarked on a journey of discovery into the world of blockchain technologies, digital currency and - for me - a new kind of investment that is undoubtedly exciting, even if it is volatile. 

At the outset, I felt alone and isolated in this endeavor. Certainly, there remains a lot of mainstream antipathy towards cryptocurrency, which is based in part, on a lack of real knowledge around it. People in my sphere - family and friends most certainly haven't heard about it and any conversations I've had have been met with blank stares and or blinks of suspicion. But there is a vast community of cryptocurrency investors out there, as well as communities where vibrant discussions are taking place around currency, blockchain technologies and the opportunities that are reportedly just around the corner. I've signed up with one such community - XRP Chat - and I've been able to learn a lot in a short space of time. Of course, portals like Twitter have proven valuable as well and I've connected with a few people there who offer authoritative discourse on Ripple, XRP and the cryptocurrency space more broadly. 

All of the established rules of investing and trading apply and I'm cognizant of those as I move forward. For now, I intend to take a watch and learn approach. There is a lot of buzz around Ripple - the company and the currency - but I will ignore most of it and instead focus on what comes out from the company itself as well as reputable news sources. 

I'm really pleased I've made this discovery. I'm a curious mind and I'm willing to try new things and I can see the potential in blockchain technologies. 

We'll see where this leads...

DFA.