Bastards I Have Met - A Look At The Doghouse Bastards Radio Show.

In the ever evolving landscape that is internet media, there has been all sorts of programs - both audio and visual - which have come along and staked their claim to a patch of the huge real estate offered by this modern form of media. In the broadcast audio medium alone, there is, quite literally, a dizzying choice for the discerning audio listener to choose from and one can easily find something to suit their individual tastes.

I, myself, tend to gravitate towards comedy, satire and dare one say it - gallows humour.  Though gallows humour, by definition, refers to grim and ironic humour found in desperate or hopeless situations, I tend to look upon it more broadly as a more conversational and observational humour that flirts with a line and invariably crosses over it. 

Ricky Gervais is one such example of a wildly successful podcast that mixes humour and satire together brilliantly in a deliciously offensive - depending on your perspective - and thus hilarious brand of internet radio. Stephen Fry has commanded a similar, large following through his more genteel brand of comedy. Regular visitors to my site will know of my avowed devotion to the New York podcast Keith and The Girl where, their similar free reign to talk about any and all subject matter means they can get away with blue murder (figuratively speaking of course) and thus produce a unique brand of comedy, so blisteringly funny that I routinely find myself in tears of laughter. 

Today, I wish to shine the spotlight on another internet radio show which has quickly and affectionately risen to the top of my weekly audio listening roster and now stands as thee source for the inappropriate humour I crave.

Back in 2011, quite unassumingly, a couple of guys got together in the Scottish city of Aberdeen to lay down the first audio of what was to become The Doghouse Bastards Radio Show. Hosted by long-time door steward Scott 'The Sasquatch' Taylor, and co-hosted by the curiously named Peter "Mr Pink" Pink and Steev "Thunderc*ck" Early, the DHB - as it has become affectionately known - presented itself as a mish-mash of political in-correctness and conversational humour that examines sex, relationships, work, play and life from a kind of intelligent, working man's point of view.

I became aware of the show through my friendship with Taylor himself, although he didn't immediately reveal to me what he was up to at that time. I think he was a little hesitant of revealing to much of the show's existence initially because he was unsure whether it was going to work or not.

Suffice to say, The Doghouse Bastards Radio Show, has become somewhat of an internet sensation, rising to the top of the iTunes comedy podcast charts and routinely logging downloads in the thousands.

For all its outward crassness and "blokey" bravado, it's not hard to examine why the show works

The feel of the DHB Radio Show reminds me very much of the kind of conversation I used to observe among the working men who would congregate at the Pub after a long day at work - particularly those men who worked in the coal fired power stations where I grew up in country Victoria, Australia. To point out a more local example (in terms of the show's origins in Northern Scotland) it's a similar kind of humour that was characteristic of the dockworkers of the Glasgow shipyards which gave rise to the likes of Billy Connolly. Among these hard men, some of the rawest observational humour could be found. It was uncompromising, often inappropriate but at the same time it was wickedly intelligent and required a quick mind to appreciate the thrust of the comedy to be found within, Moreover, it was affectionate with a generous slab of self deprecation...

...which thus made it fucking funny. 

Similarly, the DHB radio show takes that kind of witty, workman's humour and loosely structures it into a two hour long radio show that is part sketch comedy, part observational humour and pop culture satire. 

Helmed confidently and with Billy Connolly-esque comedic timing is Scott Taylor, a career door steward and security specialist, who conceived and produced the show and has almost single handedly converted a room in his house into a professional grade studio that is the nerve centre of the show itself. Taylor is also a talented writer, having contributed to a publication a few years ago titled "Bouncers and Bodyguards - Tales From A Twilight World" that chronicles numerous accounts from career security personnel, nightclub doorman and bodyguards and was something of a sleeper hit when it was released, becoming a best seller around the globe.

Scott "The Sasquatch" Taylor.

Along with Scott Taylor is his acerbic and world weary co-host Peter "Mr Pink" who presents 'via satellite' from his remote studio in the north coast Scottish town of Thurso. An in-joke that has become the hallmark of the DHB is the fact that Peter Pink appears weekly, via video, wearing a pink balaclava and sun glasses and thus the audience who tunes in via the live video stream aren't privy to his true identity. This allows Pink the relative freedom of unleashing his own expletive ridden brand of comedy that is lightning quick and razor sharp. 

Peter "Mr Pink" Pink.

Steev "Thunderc*ck" Early can best be described as the gentleman of the DHB in-studio team - a man who offers affectionately wry observations about life that often come out of left field and routinely reduce the team and listening audience to fits of laughter. Similarly, his somewhat pathetic grasp of anything pop culture pre-1985, is a priceless source of comedy that is mined relentlessly on the show. Steev's appearances on air are broken up by long stints away with his work - but his returns are invariably fodder for stories with a comedic bent.

Steve "Thunderc*ck" Early.

Rounding out the team is a Richie Maynard who Scott routinely describes as the "Monday Night Highlight" or the "Money Maker Maynard". He swaggers into the studio weekly with a voice that is caramel smooth and plays in beautiful contrast to the kinetic energy of Scott and the biting satire of Mr Pink. I like to describe him as the Billy Dee Williams of the DHB Radio Show - Women want to be with him, while men want to be like him. In a similar fashion to Steev, Maynard delivers a nuanced comedic contribution to the on air team that hums with an electric energy and routinely guarantees laughs.

Richie "The Money Maker" Maynard.

Regular contributors to the show include Claire "The Fairy Bastardess" Cooper who is a fire cracker of a woman, an uncompromising lass with a potty mouth but a heart of gold, Jo "Jaybles" Banlana and Tracy "The Flaps" Neilly, both of whom have the most unassuming natures, almost incompatible with the kind of wrecking ball humour the DHB serve up and yet both girls can match wits the boys and routinely surpass them, leaving them speechless. 

The team as a whole have a chemistry that is undeniable. It is clear, listening diligently as I have for the past two years, that all of them enjoy what they do immensely, thus the quality of the show - both from a technical stand point and a comedic flavour - works effortlessly.

I have remarked privately to Scott Taylor himself that, working in the high stress job that I do, I like to blow off steam in such a way that I can remain sane therefore I connect very much with the spirit of that working man's humour that the DHB offers up on the good dinner ware week after week. This is a phenomenon I have observed from many who work in similar industries - from medical, to emergency services, law enforcement and the military - and there is a potent validity to the psychological benefits of the occasional indulgence in inappropriate humour. Indeed, I know of serving military personnel in both Afghanistan and Iraq, who download the show as soon as a fresh episode hits.

The genius of the DHB lies in its ability to "take the piss" out of the hyper serious nature of society and modern culture - especially pop culture - where too much value is placed on celebrity and too much stock is invested in political correctness. 

As a social document, The Doghouse Bastards Radio Show has supreme value because it allows us the pleasure of being able to laugh at ourselves and it encourages us to not take life so seriously.

Subscribe, Shop and Donate to the DHB here.

Connect with the DHB here.

Tweet with the DHB here. 

DFA.  

Optus - Making The Possible, Impossible.

I am sitting here on the floor of my room, like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now chanting over and over 'the horror...the horror'.

In Australia, telecommunications consumers have the choice of several providers for their home phone, mobile and internet needs. Optus is one of those companies. SingTel Optus Pty Ltd. is the second largest telecommunications company in Australia, and is a wholly owned subsidiary of Singapore Telecommunications (ASX: SGT). The company primarily trades under the Optus brand, while maintaining several wholly owned subsidiary brands, such as Virgin Mobile Australia and Boost Mobile in the mobile telephony market, Uecomm in the network services market and Alphawest in the ICT services sector. 

They are a formidable brand and I have been a customer of theirs for my mobile communications for the past 7 years.

On the 11th July, I was offered the opportunity to re-contract early (without penalty) with Optus for another 2 years on one of their latest business plan offerings - the $89/month Timeless Mobile Plan. What was specifically attractive about this plan was that included 50Gb of free home broadband internet along with a free Wifi Modem and free connection. On the face of it, the plan seemed like a really good one and seeing an opportunity to save significantly on my mobile and home broadband (which up until then I was paying a combined $130AUD/month) as well as having the opportunity to own the flagship smartphone from Samsung - the Galaxy S3. I decided to take up the offer.

Now, I explained to the sales representative in the store that,currently, my home phone was with another provider as was my internet, on the same, single phone line and I queried whether I would need to make any significant changes to the line. He enthused in reply "no worries, no worries at all – we can switch you offer with no problems and can get this done quickly for you".


Upon signing me up, he explained that the free Netgear Wi-Fi modem would be delivered to my house in 5 to 7 days and he booked a technician in for the 24th of July to come to my house and "activate the line, set up and configure my modem". I said "great" and left the store feeling reasonably happy - even though there was some trepidation at the prospect of cancelling my internet account with my Adelaide based ISP Internode, which have been a solid performer over the 10 years I've been with them. I guess economics won me over. 

Now - fast forward to Friday the 20th July - late last week. The Netgear Wi-Fi modem hadn't arrived at my house and I was a little nervous so I rang Optus' Indian based Customer Service Center to find out when it would be delivered. After 90 minutes and 8 separate transfers within the Customer Service ecosystem, I was told that the modem "would arrive eventually" and not to worry.


I was a little worried...after this.

So I phoned the Optus Store where I had originally been encouraged to sign up and spoke to the sales rep I had dealt with and he said "leave it with me". A half an hour later, he rang back saying cheerily, "don't worry, don't worry, the technician will bring it with him on the 24th" - which was the scheduled date for the activation and install.

So I waited over the weekend until yesterday, the 23rd when – as advised by Optus – I cancelled my internet service with my current provider, Internode, in preparation for the activation today - being the 24th. I also rang Optus, just in the hope that I could narrow down the time that the technician would be arriving at my house. They told me they couldn't do that because they don't have access to that information, but then they asked me if I'd received my modem yet. I said no – I was told last week that the technician was bringing the modem and he would be setting it up for me. The Optus Customer Rep on this occasion said no that is wrong – I would be receiving the modem via courier and that I would need to set up the modem myself. 

???

I said – that isn't what I was told by the Optus Store previously. The Optus CS rep said the instructions for setting up the modem are very simple and you should have no trouble.

So this morning – the Technician arrives to activate my phone line for the Optus broad band service and, right away, he asks me if I am disconnecting my land line. I said no and asked why I should do that? The Technician explained to me that he can't activate the Optus service on my line because it needs to be a dedicated data line. The only way I can do it is to sacrifice my voice line and make it a data line. My wife and I stare blankly at one another. Now, I couldn't do that because we need the landline at the house. The technician explained then that I would have no other option but to cancel the activation.

He rang Optus on my behalf to confirm that he couldn't go ahead with the activation for the reasons he explained and proceeded to cancel the activation with my blessing.

I now have no home broadband. I rang Optus' Indian based customer service center, and spent another two hours on the phone, only to be told that I now can't have Optus broadband as specified in the $89 Timeless Mobile Plan. I was told by the CS rep that I should have said to the sales person in the Optus Shop back on the 11th of July that the line into my home was a voice line with an active service on it. I told them I did (read earlier). The CS rep had the temerity to say "you couldn't have". 

I said I did...multiple times. 

After an increasingly heated exchange, I was also told I would be charged a cancellation fee – to which I replied "How can I be charged a fee for a service that can't be activated?". The CS rep terminated the call.

What do I do now?

I have gone back to my old internet provider for starters. I rang Internode here in Adelaide, explained my predicament and they were only too happy to help restore my previous account with them. I have also lodged a case with the Telecommunications Industry Ombudsman here in Australia. The TIO acts as a mediator between the customer and telecommunications providers in the situation where conflict has arisen in the course of a transaction. 

Oh – and the modem arrived...just five minutes after the technician left my house.

While I await the outcome of the mediation process, I sit here in the hall of my house, with my totally trashed phone line, cradling my now useless Netgear Wi-Fi Modem and cursing the day I ever allowed myself to be suckered into the Optus Store yet again.

I cannot believe how much of a disaster this has become.

DFA.

Coming Soon - Dean Mayes' second novel "Gifts Of The Peramangk".