A Parasitic Relationship - A Schwannoma Diary (#3).

I think I'm entering a phase of being angry now. 

I met with my neurosurgeon this afternoon to review the MRI scans that were captured over the weekend. 

They established the geography of the space occupying lesion at the base of my spinal cord. Even on the scans, it is a parasitic looking little shit. In fact, it's not so little. It's something in the order of an inch to an inch and a half in size - a dark, lobulated mass that is being fed by a rudimentary blood supply and, most likely, my cerebrospinal fluid - the fluid that bathes my spinal cord.

My little parasite - not the circle, the thing in the circle.

The theory goes that this tumour is one that has degraded over time. It started out as a healthy (???) schwannoma but some where along the way it degenerated into this cystic lesion. There's still a lot that is unknown about it. An MRI will give you good images and you can make certain assumptions about the make up of the structure and tissues featured in them. But they're assumptions. Guess work. Estimations.

We won't really know the composition of this thing until it's removed from me and it can be examined. 

I want to anthropomorphize it - to give it an evil agency so I can justify being angry and hateful towards it. 

But it's not evil. 

It has no agenda. I mean, it couldn't even grow properly, like a normal tumour would. It's a pathetic reject - a retarded tumour. It's just there. A stupid genetic abberation of my own making.

I can't sustain my anger. I end up feeling empty, perhaps a little bit guilty.

My retarded tumour.

The surgery has been set for next Tuesday, the 18th of December. I will undergo a laminectomy whereby the surgeon will re-enter my spine through the incision that was made 29 years ago. There's a lot of old scar tissue from that original operation that may or may not cause some problems. Scar tissue is not forgiving. I'll be under an anaesthetic for 3 - 4 hours. It could be less if my surgeon can get in there without too much trouble. Then, I'll stay in the hospital for 5 - 7 days.

That's where my stomach drops. Having to tell my children was crushing this evening. Christmas Day won't be the same. I won't even be home for it. We won't be able to observe our little traditions. Worse still, our planned interstate vacation looks unlikely to proceed. This is particularly upsetting. I haven't seen my parents or my brother for 8 months. There are old friends I haven't seen who I was looking forward to seeing. I haven't reconnected with home in all that time and it hurts. Some people don't understand how much it hurts.

I've noticed something about hospital forms - they never allow enough space to write your email address. I always end up squashing up my writing to make it fit. I'll have to bring that up with someone I reckon. 

DFA.

These Are The Days - My Christmas Message.

This will be my last post for 2011. A couple of weeks ago I managed to catch the second part of a documentary about the legendary rock band Queen called "These Are The Days". One of the most poignant images/footage from this doco was some rare video footage shot of Freddie Mercury during the music video recording of the song "These Are The Days Of Our Lives". By early 1991 Mercury was critically ill as the result of the AIDS virus and rarely had he been seen publicly.

In what I regard as one of the most courageous performances committed to camera, Mercury pulled himself out of bed and shot the video for the song against fairly incredible odds and the result is perhaps one of the most emotional I can think of that I've seen - perhaps ever.

I struggle with Christmas. I don't enjoy it and I usually find that it is a time of considerable stress - mainly due to the nature of my work, which tends to quieten down this time of year. But Christmas to me, was long ago hijacked by commercial interests hell bent on shoving it's - actually their - meaning down our throats. So much so that the real meaning has been lost. I find little to like about Christmas to be honest.

Recently however, I have resolved to observe Christmas more through the eyes of my children and both I and my serioso have constructed a Christmas that is less about the rampant consumerism and vapid commercialism and instead have focused more upon the importance of us as a family unit. We've observed the Christmas story as per the Bible because that's what the core of Christmas is - but it is the importance of love, of remembering the times in your life in which love shone through and nourished you and imparting that love onto your children that is, in my mind the most essential ingredient. 

I have to say that, I am more at peace this Christmas than I have been in the past. 

But it's to the words of "These Are The Days Of Our Lives" that I have drawn the most meaning in the past couple of weeks and I have found the most comfort in those. The song talks of life and love on their most basic terms and with Mercury's impassioned delivery in his dying days - they say more about what should be at the heart of times like these than any other message could. 

Watch the music video below (you may get a message asking you to click through to youtube itself - sorry about that) and just allow yourself to accept the simple message contained therein. It is delivered with an honesty and a full heart and I challenge you not to be moved. 

To all of you, I wish you a safe and happy Christmas among those you love the most and I hope the new year brings you serendipity and peace. And, in the words of Dave Allen - 

"May your God go with you".

DFA.

The Saddle

Well...here I am.

I'm sitting under the pergola, looking out across my back lawn which looks bloody beautiful right now (I mowed it yesterday, so it looks like a bowling green). I'm listening to CBC Radio One out of Vancouver as I write this - they are talking about the future of the internet. What can I say - I'm a global citizen.

The half cup of coffee before me is cold, but I can't be arsed getting up and making myself another yet. By the way, I feel like death warmed up right now (or is that cooled down?) I dunno. I feel like I have the flu - but I think it's more the case that my accumulated stress has caught up with me. In the lead up to Christmas I was working so hard, then I suddenly stopped - had a week off - and 'hit the wall'. I ache all over, I feel as though I've taken some serious punches to my kidney and my right eye is swollen closed. Some kind of infection, though I have no idea what sort. But you don't want to hear about that.

The week away on Kangaroo Island was great. It gave me a chance to rest and relax. Although I think I added about 20 pounds to my ample bosom (???). There was so much food!!! And that was just the food that we disn't catch. My daughter began walking for the first time and I was able to enjoy daily walks down to the lagoon to watch the pelicans. Okay - well she rode on my shoulders for most of those walks - but she is walking. It was my best Christmas present this year. My son and I had tonnes of fun boogey boarding and swimming in the sea.

 A place to write. 

And I made some serious inroads on my new project. I reviewed my progress just this morning and I've hit 20k words. I was surprised because I didn't think I had achieved such a word count. Being able to work on the Island, away from the noise and rush of the City, was so productive and therapeutic. The attached picture shows you the view I had whilst tapping away on my Tablet (oh yeah - btw - I have crossed to the dark side, and it is wonderful). I have already passed some significant milestones that I wanted to achieve and that has been particularly satisfying. I am getting a handle on the feel of story, the environment and the characters. And I have made some discoveries that were influenced by the characters themselves which is really great - it is an indication that they are taking on a life of their own.

So now I'm back. I'm feeling nervous. In the week before Christmas my work as an agency Nurse dried up really suddenly and it caught me unaware, to be honest. Normally, things do quiet down over the holiday period, but for those of us who work night duty - we are usually unaffected. Not so this year. I was getting cancelled for almost every shift I was booked for. I was able to get enough work to bolster my savings for the holiday I had planned but it was a really close call. Now, I'm waiting to see what happens this week. For an agency nurse, when things are good, they are really good but when the command comes down from on high to cut staff - we are the first to get cut. I work for an agency because I crave control over my working life. I want to be around for my family and I have no desire to be enslavened to a rostering system that is often dysfunctional. And of course there is an additional financial incentive to doing agency that cannot be ignored. Mostly, I do it for my children. I get to be around for them. Waiting for the phone call that says you've been cancelled...again...gets old, really quickly.

Hopefully it won't last too much longer. I want to be back in the saddle.

Anyway...

How are you? Did you have a good Christmas? A good holiday? Did you see the new year in happily - with good friends and loved ones?

I hope you did.

DFA.

(sent from my Galaxy Tablet) :)